Stoicism and Love

Understanding Love as a Stoic Concept

In collaboration with Reckless Reasoning © - Stoicism & Love

If someone is incapable of distinguishing good things from bad and neutral things from either — well, how could such a person be capable of love? The power to love, then, belongs only to the wise man — Epictetus

Hello everyone, welcome to the first edition of our newsletter. Today we’re talking about Love within Stoicism.

The age-old myth that Stoics reject emotion and lack the ability to feel or fall in love is something that we’ve had to work hard to debunk, including the notion that all Stoics refrain from falling in love for fear that it will contradict their philosophy.

The modern-English sense of the word “love” can encompass a lot of different meanings depending on the nature of the relationship of the individuals in question.

We have romantic love (eros); familial love (philostorgia); platonic love (philia); unconditional love. It can also have other, more negative connotations such as obsessive or unrequited love.

If a Stoic is to live in accordance with nature, they should not deny themselves love.

Let’s have a look into the Stoics’ approach to love, what they said about it and how to refrain from the more negative emotions that can arise in the name of love.

Virtue

Before delving into how they approach love, it is important to refresh our minds on the fundamental teachings of Stoicism, the four cardinal virtues.

If you need a reminder of these. Consider reading Enda’s extensive coverage of them on Medium without the paywall:

The Cardinal Virtues of Stoicism

Musonius Rufus, a prominent Roman era Stoic argued that if a person decides to engage in sex, this does not mean that the person lacked wisdom, justice, courage and/or moderation.

His interpretation of the virtues meant that he was not so much bogged down with the semantics of how people expressed or explored love when it came to sexuality and monogamy.

Musonius did identify certain instances when relationships are not virtuous. For example, non-consensual sexual acts within a relationship; maltreatment of a partner; infidelity within a monogamous couple; and obsession.

These are all situations when negative thoughts and actions eclipse judgement, therefore, affect the virtue of an individual.

If virtue promises happiness, prosperity and peace, then progress in virtue is progress in each of these for to whatever point the perfection of anything brings us, progress is always an approach toward it - Epictetus

Not all followers of Stoicism have adapted such a liberal approach to relationships as Musonius did.

Cicero who may not have been a “Stoic” in the traditional sense, did discuss the existence of “pure love”, however, he was clear to point out that in most cases, what we believe to be love, is actually lust.

With this viewpoint, he had reservations about the more casual interactions Musonius Rufus spoke of.

In Cicero’s opinion, for a wise person to engage in a romantic relationship, they must be free of negative emotions, stating that it should be ‘free from disquietude, from longing, from anxiety, from sighing.’

It is important to note as a practicing Stoic or someone interested in the philosophy to debunk the misconception that there have an aversion to human affection. That is simply not the case, however, value in the virtues seems to be above all else in life.

Any other positive emotions felt outside the remits of the virtues were merely a bonus, the Stoics referred to this as a preferred indifference.

Romantic relationships and even lust (when used correctly) can be a part of a virtuous life, providing that the union is consensual and mutually beneficial and the emotions do not prevent an individual from living in accordance with nature.

In the same stretch, they are keen to point out a person could live a full and virtuous life without having found a romantic partner.

Eudaimonia

The Stoics typically approached love and passion with a degree of caution. Within the philosophy, there is a fine line between the rational and the irrational.

Stoic happiness, Eudaimonia, is a life of Apatheia- which is a life without fear, pain, and other negative emotions but also without desire or passion.

There is a concern that a loving companionship can prevent Eudaimonia as a romantic union may also come with tumultuous passions and extreme emotions.

Although love is a core part of Eudaimonic life, it is important for a Stoic to avoid a love that will allow room for over-indulgence, greed and excessive passion to the detriment of their virtues.

The Stoics on pleasure

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart— Marcus Aurelius

Something that is synonymous with love is pleasure, and as mentioned above, romantic love is a preferred indifferent, in that it is nice to experience, but it is not essential for a good life.

However, the Stoics realised that pleasure and sexual exploration are important in that initial, hormone-led phase of a romance.

After all, the physical side of a relationship is the only thing that sets a romance apart from a friendship, therefore it is necessary.

The “virtuous” relationship refered to is one of mutual love and a committed union, based on trust and friendship.

They were very quick to point out that casual relationships that solely rely on the physical desires and attraction or the seeking of pleasure, lack depth and fulfilment, this type of relationship is fundamentally against the idea of Apatheia, and therefore should be avoided.

Unrequited love

With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things — Epictetus

This has always been ruled out by the Stoics as preposterous, and they feel it must be avoided at all costs. Epictetus’ dichotomy of control states that you should only spend time worrying about things which are within your control, considering that other people’s feelings are not, their unreturned feelings should not concern you.

There is little need to concern themselves with such a risk of potential trauma or the hurt feelings that are associated with unrequited love.

In addition, Stoicism teaches that our own feelings are temporary, this is especially applicable when we find out in the initial attraction period that the other person does not reciprocate those feelings, the feelings you once had will eventually fade away.

It is not the attraction to a person that makes one happy, but living a virtuous life that can be built upon by another, and if that is stripped away due to unrequited love, the attraction serves no purpose, therefore should be forgotten.

Love and loss

You have buried someone you loved. Now look for someone to love. It is better to make good the loss of a friend than to cry over him — Seneca the younger

Stoicism teaches us about the impermanence of everything. As negative as it sounds, there are two outcomes of any romantic relationship; a breakup, or a death.

They fully accept that they can lose their loved ones any day, therefore most Stoics use the practice of Memento Mori to help prepare themselves for the loss of their spouse or loved ones.

Along this same notion, Epictetus encouraged the practice of premeditatio malorum, and reminded us that we have an allotted time for love, be it six months, six years or sixty.

With that said, Epictetus taught not to be consumed by the love you have for this person, but to work on yourself to be the best companion you can be for your partner.

That way, when you and your partner separate either through a breakup or death, you will be left with the gratitude that it happened at all, it is important to remember the love you felt, and not to grieve the absence.

Rounding it out

Love is a complex, multifaceted experience. How each of us approaches it varies based on our own life experiences, beliefs, and the times we live in.

Some people are hopeless romantics, others take a more cynical view. Even within Stoicism, there was debate—especially between the early Athenian Stoics and their Roman successors.

But in all their views, they were unified on one thing: avoiding the wrong kind of love.

They didn’t believe in indulging in unrestrained passion, unrequited love, or toxic relationships.

It’s better to be alone than to be in a harmful or unbalanced relationship.

The most important thing is to value ourselves, to cherish love without being enslaved by it.

By keeping our emotions in check and staying true to virtue, we protect ourselves from being taken advantage of or emotionally manipulated.

After all, in the end, it’s living wisely that leads to a flourishing life—whether or not love comes along for the ride.

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Our next topic will be Stoicism within a Marriage.

Until next time,

Brenda & Enda (The Stoic Couple)

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